The Missing Part of Me
by stardust2002
Summary: "Why do you keep coming back, Rick?" - Castle finds the answer to Beckett's question. But is it too late?  Castle/Beckett, angst/romance. Spoilers for "Knockout".


The blissful state of almost-sleep dreaming evaporated like a balloon bursting as Kate rose to answer the knock at her door. Constant vigilance had trained her mind to hit full consciousness before the rest of her body caught up. She was already at the door and unlocking it as the fleeting thought that had it been work it would have been a phone call interrupting her rest, not someone at the door, struck.

The man standing there was so familiar she almost wasn't surprised to see him.

"Castle? What are you doing here?" It sounded ungracious to her own ears and she blushed. "I mean,_ now._ It's late."

He stared at her without speaking - already a warning sign something was up, and suddenly guilt knotted up her stomach. "Is something wrong?"

"No. Nothing's wrong," he said quietly. "I just … " He stopped and looked past her into the apartment then nodded, as if confirming something internally. "I have the answer to your question."

"What question?"

"The one you asked the other day."

"The other day … " Kate prompted, eyebrows screwed up as she tried to remember what he might be alluding to. Castle was hard to follow at the best of times and she wasn't exactly at her most scintillating at midnight.

"During the Raglan murder case." His eyes drifted behind her once again and suddenly she remembered the conversation they'd had, standing in the middle of her apartment.

"Oh."

The man before her, rarely at a loss for words, took a deep breath as the silence grew between them.

"You. _You're_ the reason I keep coming back. It's not about solving the murders or even Nikki Heat. It's you. The way your'e so passionate about what you do. The way you're hard as nails with your suspects yet compassionate and kind to the victims. The way you never give up, no matter how hard it is. You are truly the most extraordinary woman I've ever known."

Kate shifted her weight as he looked her up and down, uncomfortably aware she was wearing nothing but a t-shirt and underwear. Her cheeks grew warm, that warmth spreading throughout her body under his scrutiny.

"I love that you trust me enough to share your most personal moments with me," he continued, voice quieter yet. "I wish there was more I could do. I wish I could help take away all the pain and suffering you've gone through. I hate to see how much it hurts you. I … I …" He swallowed hard. "I care for you Kate. A lot."

Her eyes pricked with tears at his heartfelt admission, one she knew had been most difficult for him. The naked emotion on his face and the darkness in his eyes were relatively new; she'd first noticed them at the diner when Raglan had been shot and he'd told her how worried he'd been that it had been her. She'd wondered briefly at the time if he'd ever be able to put the emotions he was clearly feeling into words but the thought had ended there under the pressures of the case.

"Oh Castle," she whispered, "I … "

"Who is it?"

Kate's eyes closed briefly and she sighed as Josh came to stand beside her. The pain in Castle's eyes at the sight of the half-clad man beside her wrenched her heart before he was able to put on the 'Castle' mask and smile.

"Hey, Josh. You're back. How was your trip?"

"Good, thanks. Something up? You're here awfully late."

Castle shrugged. "Nothing really, just … "

" … some work stuff," Kate finished helplessly, screaming inside at the interruption of the moment.

"Right, just work - stuff," Castle repeated, taking his cue well.

"Go on back to bed. I'll be there soon."

Josh leaned over and kissed her cheek. " 'Kay. Don't be long."

Kate wanted to look away from the pain in Castle's eyes but couldn't seem to tear her eyes off him as Josh's lips burned her skin. _No, what I'm trying to say is, it's over. _A lump suddenly grew in her throat. _He did it for me. He ended it with Gina because he wants to be with me. He just doesn't know how to come out and say it._

Castle fidgeted and took a step back. "Listen, I should go." He ducked his head towards the elevator. "It's late and I'm interrupting. I'm sorry."

She could hear the tears in his voice. They were well disguised but she, so practiced at reading every nuance of every gesture and word, could hear it loud and clear.

"Rick," she said, throat tightening. "I … "

"Goodnight, detective. I'll see you tomorrow." He walked away quickly before she could find her tongue.

Kate leaned against the closed door. Her chest was tight and it was suddenly almost impossible to breathe.

"Come to bed babe," Josh called. "I've got something I want to talk to you about."

Kate swallowed her pain and put on a smile even though talking with Josh was the last thing she wanted to do.

**XXXXXX**

The first thing Rick Castle did upon arriving at home after work was throw down his coat and gloves on the chair by the door. The second, was to pour himself a drink. A stiff one.

The day had not gone well. It hadn't gone _badly_ per se; they'd been so busy on a case that they hadn't had even a moment to talk about the previous night's fiasco, but the tension between them - the unpleasant kind, the sort it had been in the beginning - had been painfully high. _ I'm not sure how long we can keep this up,_ he thought ruefully, staring down into his drink as if pearls of wisdom might float to the surface.

He'd already bailed once when it had become apparent that Kate was choosing another man over him, which had begged the question (though he'd steadfastly ignored it) why did he keep coming back? He'd tried to fool himself into believing it was about the books but by the time his wise and forthright mother had asked the question openly, he'd already faced the lie and peeled it back to reveal the truth. Kate had asked him the same question but he'd been unable to answer her with the complete truth. She was with someone else; she wouldn't want to hear it.

He loved her. Kate Beckett was the magic, the joy, the momentum that kept his life going. He loved her. Was in love with her. Couldn't imagine spending his days without her.

Well now he might have to. He cared for her but she cared for someone else. Love triangles. Fun to write. Deliciously sinful to watch on TV. Not nearly so much fun to live.

A knock at the door drew him back to the present. "Beckett," he said, so surprised at seeing her here, _now_, that he couldn't find anything more to say.

"Can we talk for a minute?" Her tone was light, her eyes unreadable. But then she was the expert at reading others and knew how to hide when she didn't want to be read. Most of the time. When it didn't concern her mother's murder.

Castle swallowed over the growing lump in his throat. "Come in." He waved at the couch but she shook her head. "You want a drink?"

"No. Thanks."

The silence between them as they stood staring at one another was tense.

"Listen, about last night. What you did - "

He shrugged and waved it off. "It was nothing. Forget it."

"It wasn't nothing. I know it was hard for you to … and I just wanted you to know I really appreciate your honesty."

_But … come on, there's a but after that. Isn't this the part where you say, "but I just want us to be friends?" _ For the second time in his life, Castle felt his heart break. He wanted to cry but instead put on a smile.

"They say honesty is the best policy," he said lightly.

"It is, particularly when you have something important to be honest about."

"Do you?"

"Well … yeah." Kate looked down at the ground then slowly back up to meet his eyes. "Josh is going back to Africa."

"Really."

The look on her face showed she'd caught all the nuances he'd unconsciously slipped into the one word answer.

"He spent a few days in Burkina Faso working with Doctors Without Borders and fell in love. He's decided to make doctoring in third word countries his life's work."

"That's great," Castle said heartily. "I'm all for people finding their passion and following it. I hope he's happy."

Kate's eyes roamed quickly around his apartment before settling on his again. "He asked me to go with him."

The last little piece of his heart that had suddenly sprung a flower of hope shattered. "Are you going to?" His voice sounded as hoarse as it felt.

"Hell no." She smirked. "Are you kidding me? I'm a city girl, through and through. I get antsy when it takes me more than five minutes to find a Starbucks. Can you imagine me living in a tent city with no running water, electricity and plumbing?"

He laughed, relief flooding out of him like a tidal wave. "Honestly? No. But I'd still bring you coffee every day if you wanted me to."

He eyes grew dark as she smiled. "I know you would."

The moment was fraught with tension; Castle could feel it like a live wire between them as he looked her up and down.

"I'm sorry, Kate. I'm so sorry it's ending this way."

She shrugged. "It's okay. I'm not really that upset. Regardless of how it came about, I think things were destined to end between us very soon anyway."

"Oh?"

She shifted her weight onto the other foot. "I thought about the question you asked me the other day - does Josh know about my murder board. I hadn't told him yet. I wasn't planning on ever telling him, to be honest."

Those few words told him everything. Her relationship with Josh was like his had been with Gina - just_ fine_. Josh wasn't special. Josh wasn't _the one_.

Her voice was quiet and husky as she continued. "It seemed strange, once I thought about it, that I was sleeping with him, that he was my boyfriend, yet you're the one I've shared all the pain and tears over my mother's murder with."

"You didn't trust him." It wasn't quite a question.

She didn't answer. Didn't have to. Her eyes spoke volumes.

Castle cleared his throat. "Listen, it's almost dinner time. You want to … go out?"

"For dinner?"

He grabbed his jacket and opened the door for her. "That is what the meal that is consumed at this time of day is usually called."

"Many people call it supper you know," she objected, smirking.

Castle paused. "Shall I bring my thesaurus along and we can debate the synonyms over our meal?"

Kate smiled, eyes crinkling and cheeks dimpling as she took his arm. "I thought you'd never ask."

**~ fin ~**


End file.
